The art of effective communciation/avoiding pitfalls
Whether we’re on our mobile phones, talking to our families or asking where the shops are — we’re communicating. But we can easily delude ourselves into thinking that because we’re communicating all the time that we must be efficient communicators.
But crime statistics, marriage and relationship breakups speak to a profound deficit in the ability of people not just to communicate, but to communicate effectively.
This article is the result of many many years spent people-watching, absorbing papers on dyadic interaction, and studying the behaviour and pitfalls of communication. It is also a confessional of sorts since I have fallen into the same traps which others fall into and some of which are listed in this article.
Here is a top ten list to perfect your ability to communicate well in your various private lives.
The breakdown of this article features 10 headings that will help the reader to more fully explore the possible reasons behind their communication breakdowns:
1. Hearing is not listening
2. Raised voices
3. Ad Hominem
4. What is the point of your interaction?
5. Taking a breather
6. Being wrong and the suspension of the ego
7. Saying sorry
8. Encouraging honesty
9. Pitfalls in communication
10. Learning to self-reflect
1. Hearing is not listening
This first one sounds rather obvious and yet there is an important distinction between the two. The word ‘listening’ implies active attention to that which we are hearing. Think of it like being at a party and tuning out all other noise except for the conversation we’re having. During a rowdy night out or a dinner party, our brains filter out all other noise, and yet still we are conscious to some degree of the noise around us. However, we pay most attention usually to the one or two people we are speaking to.
One other important thing to notice about listening is that we can’t listen very well when we are speaking. Instead, when we’re speaking we’re concerned only with forming ideas, cognitive links and putting over our arguments. When one is actively listening, the thoughts of interjection of interrupting and responding sink into the background. Think of it like listening to music, one does not need to respond to the music one merely enjoys the sound. Cultivating good listening habits involves the suspension of ideas at least long enough to absorb all of the meaning behind your partner’s words. There is no rush to fill a hanging silence, nor thrust a riposte if one is arguing.
There are a couple of tips to help one remember to stay silent, one is simply to hold one’s hand in front of the mouth in such a fashion as to convey to the other person that we are listening, but also reminds ourselves not to speak just yet.
See the photo here illustrating such a gesture. Your face should be one of quiet reflection and attentiveness.
Understanding the difference between hearing and listening is of paramount importance. And we can demonstrate that we have been listening by parroting though not in a patronising way what the other person has been saying. For example, we might say: ‘I hear what you’re saying, that I don’t…’ or ‘So you’re saying that I might do this better’. Doing this will have the added benefit of getting your partner to expound on a point if you’ve misheard or not understood what they were attempting to communicate.
One last point, if your partner needs to spend five or even ten minutes getting their point across, let them. There is no hurry, some conversations are sprints, and others especially ones that matter are marathons and should have no time limit. Again and again, a couple may return to some point and resurrect a topic that we wish would be let go, but by addressing the concerns and listening attentively we are much more likely to be able to resolve the matter for good.
2. Raised Voices
There are a couple of reasons why people raise their voices in arguments and disputes, however, changing just one of these variables enables much healthier exchanges.
By observing interactions, it has become somewhat clear that raised voices are often the cause of heightened emotions, often anger. This is obvious and yet what might not be so obvious is another reason why this anger erupts. It may be not just the topic at hand which is causing anger to manipulate the volume at which one speaks, but also the threat of not being heard. This goes hand in hand with tip number one. If we learn to listen attentively whilst remaining silent, this will remove the need to shout, or even to raise one’s voice as the other person knows they are being listened to.
From personal experience, I have learned that gently reminding the other person that I’m remaining silent and that I’m also listening soothes the temper of the other individual.
When we feel attacked or dismissed, these are the times we are most likely to raise our voices, often in frustration. Indeed not being taken seriously is one powerful motive for raising one’s voice. However, if we convey in our tone, and our gestures that we are taking what’s being said very seriously then we remove the potential fuel for more explosive exchanges. The key is that no matter how ridiculous or we find our conversational partner’s position, we can achieve a greater good by conveying the right body language and tone. From what I have observed, it often takes two to keep a conversational fire burning. If we don’t match the raised voice of our conversational partner then they may be more inclined to match our tone. If they do not, then this may be the source of a later conversation when things have cooled.
If it is we who are prone to raising our voice, it’s crucial that we reflect on what emotions are driving us to this. We must ask ourselves what factors such as not being taken seriously, drive us to raise our voice or shout? We are responsible for the tone of our voice, so too are we for resolving complications.
3. Ad hominem
This is a form of cognitive fallacy, in which someone attacks or makes an argument personal. Name-calling, exposing hypocrisy or double standards. Ad hominem is in a sense a way of attacking the other person and does nothing to aid a conversation. All this behaviour encourages is further division and a retort that is equally, if not more, vitriolic. Generally, ad hominem is a term one hears in argumentation, it is not effective in any form of communication though.
If one is not sure, imagine your conversational partner saying it to you, and then you’ll know whether it would be acceptable to hear or not. If your partner has this issue, try and bring it up to them after the argument perhaps when tempers have cooled. But verbal abuse is as unacceptable as physical abuse and needs to be addressed.
4. What is the point of your interaction?
One simple question often overlooked in discourse and verbal exchange is what the point of the interaction is. If we are arguing, for instance, is the most important factor for us to be right, to win at all costs, to elicit an apology — why are we even exchanging remarks comments and the like?
In other words, how far are we willing to go to get the outcome we want? How much earth has to be scorched for us to get the responses we want?
This is a powerful question that each of us has to answer for ourselves.
Perhaps a more beneficial way of understanding dispute and confrontation is to realise that the end goal should be more akin to understanding. Trying to empathise with the other person’s viewpoint. No matter how odd or even contrary to the laws of logic their opinion seems to be, we stand a much greater chance at a resolution if we first understand and absorb the mental paradigm and lens through which that person addresses the issue at stake. Understanding the mental outlook of the other person enables us for a moment to inhabit that person’s mind. Once we are in that correct frame of mind, we can more easily appreciate the arguments or statements that might bring about a change in thinking.
Seeing communication through the lens of mutual benefit enables arguments to escape the zero-sum game people often believe it to be. Instead, once we see that communication, and maybe even the argument at hand, is a potential both for growth and development of the relationship, we are going to be more inclined to imbue our words with dignity and respect.
If one is frustrated with the other person not seeing sense, then one’s initial expectations and answer to the question ‘What is the point of this interaction?’ may have been wrong. One should approach every interaction and every argument as a chance to change one’s way of thinking. If we view an argument as a way for us to demonstrate self-control and verbal ability then we will gain far more than if we merely scorch whatever earth is necessary for the other person to acquiesce to our way of thinking.
Answering the question above can expose us in often surprising ways. What if the answer is that we want to punish the other person for some wrongdoing, depending on the degree of wrongdoing we have to further ask how long do I intend to punish that person for? Would it not be more beneficial for me to merely ask whether the wrong done to us requires a more permanent cutting off from the individual. Being honest with ourselves is a crucial part of understanding any argument. Being ready to admit responsibility without having to thrust a verbal joust back at our critic enables self-development and sends a clear message that we are good communicators.
5. Taking a breather
I have written this article at separate times. By doing this I have enabled my brain to reflect and to organise my thoughts into some sort of logical cognitive process. Hours pass and my brain continues working on problems without me even being consciously aware of the fact.
So too, when we are in the grips of a heated discussion how important to be able to restrain ourselves long enough to get some distance. A statement to our conversational partner might go like this, ‘You’ve raised some interesting points, but I need some space to think about this.’ Thus we’ve acknowledged the taking seriously of their argument and agreed to spend more time reflecting on the issue, we even did that without admitting the complete rightness of their position.
Never underestimate the taking of a walk or a quiet drive to enable the facilitation of problem-solving. Once you’ve achieved the space you need, you can think more clearly about a possible way forward or even renew those precious mental barriers which serve to restrain one’s tongue. A sustained argument can take its toll on one’s ability to think clearly and concisely about any particular issue and this is why it’s imperative to give oneself the space needed to regain composure.
Remember that an argument is under no pressure to be resolved in twenty or thirty minutes, issues can be returned to and addressed many times over to achieve full resolution and a compromise that is agreeable to all parties. And that is why we ask ourselves the question from the previous section, it will be unlikely that we get everything we desire from the autonomous person we are communicating with. Rather we’ll have to ask ourselves what can we both sacrifice to resolve this issue.
6. Being wrong and the suspension of the ego
Nothing frightens us more than the expectation of being wrong. Being exposed that we had no idea what we were talking about is a constant threat to the ego that many individuals cover with bluster and a raised voice. But any honest communication has to come with the possibility that we may be wrong, we may think ourselves impervious to error but this is unrealistic and can damage any communication before we even enter into conversation.
A supercharged ego will render productive communication almost impossible. Toxic masculinity deludes many with the illusion that stubbornness and egocentric behaviour are features that make a man. But this is utterly divorced from reality. Those who abide by such principles either contribute to the splitting of a familial unit or are at pains to find people who will suffer such abuses.
The question men have to answer is whether they want to be good communicators or else carry on the tired and moribund idea of masculinity that they have inherited. I’m not focusing merely on men here, for all people need to understand how important the factor of ego plays in an argument. A good approach to battling one’s ego is to suspend the idea that being wrong is somehow the death rattle of the intellect. Knowing where one has erred, I would argue is, in fact, more beneficial than being correct. If one plays brilliant chess and wins a game that is the end of that. But if one studies a game of chess in which they lost, they can more deeply understand their cognitive flaws and improve their game greatly. So too, ‘losing an argument’ may mean a deeper understanding has been reached.
Unfortunately, men such as I, have inherited certain notions of what being a ‘man’ entails. Frequently interrupting, raising one’s voice, stubbornly sticking to an absurd position merely because it is our own are all traits that harm communication and render us inferior to more able communicators. I would argue that for men it is time to take back ‘manhood’, imbue it with a healthier list of traits than that which has come before. Whatever gender or however one identifies, it is important to boost the probabilities of success in every communication we might have.
There is freedom in this level of control, a liberty which is not truly ours until we have restrained every impulse to anger and scorn.
7. Saying Sorry
Is there any other word more troublesome to the language than that of ‘sorry’? For some, it seems to reside only as a captive word restrained and tethered behind some locked door of taboo words — known but never spoken. One should never utter an apology unless one genuinely believes they have erred, but this comes with a severe disclaimer. One needs to be brutally honest with themselves, is the claim of the other person valid? Does the validity of that claim mean that I should apologise?
Saying sorry is not the complete submission of an argument, it is merely the acceptance that you’ve overlooked something, an admission that the other person has a point.
One reason the word is not used more is due to a person’s quick-fire retaliation which gets employed whenever the ego feels threatened. For example, let us posit that there is some general argument about the division of household chores, and your partner comes to you and says that they wish you would do more. So often the response is to be provoked and to attack by suggesting that they don’t do enough either; or perhaps that you’re busy enough without having to contribute to the overall maintenance of the home. These responses arise when the ego feels attacked, the trick is to pause and metabolise the argument. In that briefest of seconds, one has a choice how to respond, perhaps a better way would be to lubricate the argument by suggesting that while you have a lot of other responsibilities, you would certainly be open to renegotiation of the chore list. An apology that the other person might have been feeling taken for granted, and that wasn’t your intent is not only applicable but could revolutionise the relationship. You haven’t lost anything by the apology, and you’ve even made that person aware of the challenges you’re facing to fit everything into your day. You have also opened the door to negotiation and compromise which is the hallmark of any healthy relationship.
The careful use of the word sorry means that the person you’re conversing with might recognise that you’re reasonable and open to compromise. However, if you’re the sort of person who apologises constantly, this tactic might backfire, so much so that the person you are communicating with might come to expect your backing down as soon as they raise an issue. Only apologise when there is a genuine reason to do so, and whatever you do, do not apologise to ‘keep the peace’. Apologising to keep the peace never works, all it succeeds in doing is engineering the other person into expecting more of the same.
This is why honesty with oneself is vitally important. The suspension of the ego will enable this more effectively by not leaping into a defensive frame of mind immediately.
8. Encouraging Honesty
There are several blocks to honesty in a relationship. One of these is fear of reprisal and this often inhibits openness and honesty which is crucial to any interaction. Your conversational partner may feel inhibited if they sense that you may respond negatively or start escalating the situation.
Much of this fear can be eased by calming the situation and keeping a promise to maintain one’s composure. Honesty has several potential roadblocks and for us to achieve the best possible outcome in our interactions, we have to do our part to remove these roadblocks. Communication goes far beyond the verbal interactions we have, and our conversational partner will be taking everything in and weighing up the risk constantly. We have to convey by our demeanour and the non-verbal communication that we are listening and receptive and unlikely to respond violently or defensively to what is going to be said.
Gestures like the one I pointed out earlier convey this objective stance and may help ease the person we are talking with into being open and honest. There is no guarantee that our partner will be honest, we are merely trying to play the probabilities and the best hand that we have been given. Our job is to understand the power and responsibility we have whenever we engage and discuss topics. We have to ask ourselves whether we are creating or removing obstacles to honesty within a given interaction. If, however, we are dealing with someone who compulsively lies time and again, despite our best efforts to encourage honesty, then we must realise the deeper problems which may be part of a relationship. Lying shifts the ground underneath the relationship, and you cannot build firm foundations upon the ground which is always melting away from underneath them. If your conversational partner lies constantly it would be good to communicate this to them in a non-combative way and to flush out the reasons to do so.
9. Pitfalls in Communication
We’ve already discussed many potential pitfalls in communication, here’s a checklist to make sure you’re not falling into any traps.
- Using harsh abusive language.
- Using words like hypocrite to defend against a valid point
- Raising one’s voice.
- Not giving the conversational partner a chance to fully explain a point that matters to them.
- Mistaking an argument for a zero-sum game.
- Allowing emotions to rule the moment.
The aim here is not to memorise every pitfall, for some will be more relevant to your situation than others. But by analysing these issues, one stands a much better chance at solving the issues behind a communication breakdown. These tips are as relevant for a communication breakdown in a personal and intimate relationship as they are for any other interaction. However, these strike a far more crucial note within a personal relationship, as it often in personal relationships that we feel free to express ourselves without the usual constraints of social convention. Perhaps this is one of those great ironies, that it is precisely those that matter the most to us that bear the brunt of poor communication. By identifying the pitfalls and paying attention to our interactions, we have the chance to take back the beauty of communication as a tool for both parties to grow and develop.
10. Learning to self-reflect
We’ve come to the final tip then. Self-reflection is a rare and precious skill these days. But first, we must clear up a misconception. Self-reflection is not to be used to belittle ourselves or criticise our fundamental core selves or ego. What we can use self-reflection for is to analyse a past interaction and think honestly about what we might have done differently. Whether we spoke too soon, maybe we raised our voices and thus escalated the situation; whatever the case self-reflection will help us understand where we went wrong.
Learning to quiet our minds and focus on one conversation is a challenge in itself, especially given the fast-paced nature of our lives. However, the issue comes down to how important we view not only our interactions but our conversational partner too. If we don’t want to invest the time in improving our communication more effectively then what do sentiments like ‘in good times and bad’ really mean? An honest appraisal imbued with the healthy spirit of self-reflection enables a clarity of mind that will make communication far more rewarding.
Final Words
This article has investigated the ways in which communication is a skill that takes great work. Learning to avoid dangerous pitfalls enables wonderful and sublime things to happen to a relationship. If one is sure they are a fantastic communicator and that they need not change any aspect of their communication, is just the sort of person to collapse in the light of new stresses and strains which arise from the bubbling cauldron of spontaneous conversation. Honest self-appraisal will richly reward those who put in the work to understand the pitfalls they are prone to falling into.
Don’t waste the great gift of communication.
As a final gift, I leave this quote from someone who enjoyed the therapeutic relationship and the communication involved:
“I hear the words, the thoughts, the feeling tones, the personal meaning, even the meaning that is below the conscious intent of the speaker. Sometimes too, in a message which superficially is not very important, I hear a deep human cry that lies buried and unknown far below the surface of the person.
So I have learned to ask myself, can I hear the sounds and sense the shape of this other person’s inner world? Can I resonate to what he is saying so deeply that I sense the meanings he is afraid of, yet would like to communicate, as well as those he knows?” — Carl Rogers
Photo credits: MabelAmber at Pixabay
