Reflections of a depressive episode
Reflections of a depressive episode: a follow up
On January 9th I published a frank transparent article on the nature of a depressive episode I was experiencing. Perhaps rather disappointingly it had only 7 views but such is the mercurial experience of a writer’s lot in life. This article is a brief follow up and what has happened since that interesting though challenging time.
Resolution?
Not very likely for the individual who experiences depression I’m afraid. Rather, depression has its seasons as does the blooming of the flowers. Part of living with depression is recognising that an episode is approaching and buttoning one’s mental anorak to prepare for the tumult of the coming storm. I’m happy to report that the storm is dying though there are always rumblings from afar, the malevolent storm will of course always threaten from afar. Rather the resolution to depression lies in knowing the impermanence of certain mental states and waiting patiently for the storms to pass.
Catalyst?
I still as of yet don’t fully understand the catalyst to my own depressive episode, though it seemed to be precipitated by a profound sense of loss — loss of mooring to mental firmament. As if I was becoming untethered to the self and everything else, although this may have been a side effect of the depression rather than the catalyst.
Personal notes on Autism and depression
It is not unknown for those with ASD (Autism spectrum disorder) to cohabit with mental illnesses such as depression. One perhaps profound realisation was experienced when I watched Chris Packham’s excellent documentary on autism and in particular one young woman’s detailing of masking behaviours. For the first time, a veil had been lifted as I recognised my own experiences being described. But this was linked to a much broader realisation of how I have adapted to life to better feel as if I have control over the ‘noise’. Since then I have aimed to be more authentic with regard to my autism including taking headphones to listen to music should the environment of shopping malls present sensory overload.
Ridding oneself of the guilt
There is often a feeling of guilt that accompanies my demanding the space and time required to assess and balance my mental health. But reason interrupts and posits that this is not an unethical choice, since by taking care of the inner mental world, I will serve to perform better in those roles that I‘m placed by circumstance such as brother, husband and son. Part of this unease with taking time for myself, is the unflinching fear that those around me will not be able to solve some problem or another and this will lead them to behave in a way that unsettles me, perhaps by anger or frustration and this would lead to the same sensory issues described above.
However, I’m pleased to see that this is at least now a work in progress since I recognise the issue.
My own methodology
As well as taking my prescribed medication, I’ve returned to my zazen meditations and in essence, have once again taken up those basic but powerful therapies reading and listening to music. Even as I type these words, I’m listening to the brilliant Imagine Dragons and this all by itself serves to redefine the topology of mental life and everything seems a little brighter and I feel a determination to be better, to expend energy in transforming the inner experience of mental life.
Closing words
It’s so vital to shed light on experiences like depression, especially given its prevalence and cost to human life and activity. And in sharing, there seems to be a reprieve from the torturous deceptive brand of introspection that goes hand in hand with a depressive episode. So for now, I can relax whilst always keeping a watchful eye on the darkened clouds.
